Check ride
Wow, that was really hard. I'm an emotional mess right now, largely because the more I go through life, the more I'm made to feel that the expression of any emotion is a bad thing. To which I say, BULLSHIT. It's a fucked-up aspect of our society that men are expected to not be emotional at all, and that emotion is viewed as a negative attribute.
What happened today was basically that everything went alright, except for yet again being put in a position that I was not prepared or trained for and that I didn't see the point of, but the checkride instructor accused me (correctly) of being too deferential to, and in some cases cowed by, authority figures. He's right, I am. But that's not the point. The point is, too fuckin' bad, deal with it.
I absolutely HATE it when people take their opinion and state it as fact. And yet, that's exactly what the check ride instructor expected of me. How's that?? If I'm not sure of something, is it not better that I say, "I'm not sure, but I think ____" than to just say "It's ____." ??? And maybe I do get too nervous around authority figures -- I know that; it's true. And it hurts me in my job, it hurts me all the time, much more than just flying. But guess what? That's part of who I am. You want to tell me I'm a bad pilot because of that? I, once again, say BULLSHIT.
I'm tired of feeling like I need to "act like an adult." I AM an adult, and not all of us are devoid of emotion, of passion, of whatever that thing is that makes life exciting and not the dull drudgery of most peoples' lives. Tell me this: If my life is a routine, where I go through it like a robot, never feeling anything, never getting excited, or angry, or sad, or upset, but only happy, calm, dreamy -- shouldn't I just kill myself? Am I not a waste of space at that point? It pretty much means I'm not accomplishing anything, I'm not challenging myself, I'm not putting myself in a position where there's something standing in my way, and if I'm not doing that, what's the point of living? I'm not trying to threaten anyone, or myself, I'm just wondering.
Whatever. Authority is bullshit. Checkrides are bullshit. I'm going to be a damn good pilot whether or not I know the names of all the types of flaps ever made, or whether or not I understand what "adverse yaw" is (uh...yaw that I don't like?). Fuck this, I don't need people telling me I'm stupid. I _KNOW_ I'm stupid; I'm like everyone else -- just trying to get by.
What happened today was basically that everything went alright, except for yet again being put in a position that I was not prepared or trained for and that I didn't see the point of, but the checkride instructor accused me (correctly) of being too deferential to, and in some cases cowed by, authority figures. He's right, I am. But that's not the point. The point is, too fuckin' bad, deal with it.
I absolutely HATE it when people take their opinion and state it as fact. And yet, that's exactly what the check ride instructor expected of me. How's that?? If I'm not sure of something, is it not better that I say, "I'm not sure, but I think ____" than to just say "It's ____." ??? And maybe I do get too nervous around authority figures -- I know that; it's true. And it hurts me in my job, it hurts me all the time, much more than just flying. But guess what? That's part of who I am. You want to tell me I'm a bad pilot because of that? I, once again, say BULLSHIT.
I'm tired of feeling like I need to "act like an adult." I AM an adult, and not all of us are devoid of emotion, of passion, of whatever that thing is that makes life exciting and not the dull drudgery of most peoples' lives. Tell me this: If my life is a routine, where I go through it like a robot, never feeling anything, never getting excited, or angry, or sad, or upset, but only happy, calm, dreamy -- shouldn't I just kill myself? Am I not a waste of space at that point? It pretty much means I'm not accomplishing anything, I'm not challenging myself, I'm not putting myself in a position where there's something standing in my way, and if I'm not doing that, what's the point of living? I'm not trying to threaten anyone, or myself, I'm just wondering.
Whatever. Authority is bullshit. Checkrides are bullshit. I'm going to be a damn good pilot whether or not I know the names of all the types of flaps ever made, or whether or not I understand what "adverse yaw" is (uh...yaw that I don't like?). Fuck this, I don't need people telling me I'm stupid. I _KNOW_ I'm stupid; I'm like everyone else -- just trying to get by.
posted by MKT at 10:12 PM
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